Beach Liquids

Ingredients

• Capri Suns
• Deep Eddy's Vodka
• Carlo Rossi-style iced tea
• Warm beer
• A gigantuan mason jar full of: Chambord, whiskey, vodka, lemonade, Budweiser, and a splash of ginger ale 
• Atlantic ocean water
• ... um... Number 1...

Instructions

When you go to the beach in New York City, you should expect crowds. You should expect a commute. You should expect to hide your alcohol. None of this is off-palette for the daily grind of a New Yorker. But everything else? Delightfully unrecognizable.

I'd never beached before in NYC, nor had really anyone else in the gang of Northwestern theatre major thugs that invaded Rockaway Beach with me. But now we are experts. Because we've been there once. And we'd like to share with you wisdom on how to handle your liquids on the beach. Because we're really smart, and really wise, and we've beached. 

Shop like the cool Snack Parent at soccer games: Capri Suns now come in a fruit & vegetable flavor called Super V, so there is no reason why you shouldn't be picking up at least 2 boxes (1 original Capri Sun flavor, of course) of these bad boys to satisfy practicality, delicious fun, and nutritional needs during your beach stay. The intense amount of all-natural sugar also proves a valuable pick-me-up when you inevitably accidentally take the A express train to Lefferts Blvd. instead of Far Rockaways. By the way: When you board the A express train, which should take you straight to the beach, don't inevitably accidentally take the A train to Lefferts Blvd. instead of the A train to Far Rockaways. They are two different trains! Who-da thunk?

 

Keep drinks, food, your credit cards, everything in a cooler: Gosh, guys, warm clementines and grapes aren't much more fun than warm drinks. But there's nothing worse than picking up your bottle of beer from where you left it in the sand and receiving hot liquid wheat in your mouth. So how about we stick everything in the cooler and call it a day. I don't feel like I need to say this, but I understand and I recognize that how I feel isn't always what's right: You also have to pack ice with your cooler. When you bring a cooler, you must also buy ice. It's not enough the bring a cooler; it is enough to bring a cooler and ice.

Don't watch the skies for vodka; bring your own!: Deep Eddy Vodka has a lovely blimp with a lovely banner and an old-timey, 1950s-style pinup ad-- and, sure, his name makes you laugh. But you'd all much rather have your own supply of vodka to mix with the giant jug of Arizona Iced Tea you brought. Don't second guess yourself next time; bring the vodka, or else you'll talk about how you should've brought the vodka-- all day. All day, while Deep Eddy flies majestically above...

Pack cups, fool: Oh, so you did manage to remember the vodka along with your Arizona Iced Tea? Now, ow the heck do you suppose you drink it?! Cups are helpful, but if you're lacking the cups (and the vodka) and are wondering what to do with your lifetime supply of Arizona, never fear-- Northwestern theatre major alums are here. We know a little technique called "The Carlo Rossi" or "Carlo Rossi-ing" from our days drinking of $13 jug wine. With said jug-o-wine, and everyone sitting in a circle, one person wraps 2 fingers around the skinny glass handle and swigs from the spout of the jug itself. She then-- and this the important part-- keeps those 2 fingers gripping the handle and passes the jug to the next person, who wraps his arm around and under the original drinker's arm and takes over the tiny handle with his own two fingers. Make sense? Just remember the wrapping arms element and the fact that you're all swigging from a large, cheap jug-like container. You'll be fine.

Know your bathrooms like you know your heart: That means you probably don't have all the answers. You need to ask for advice. You might have to ask a stranger-- just do it! Learn as much as you can about the bathrooms-- where they are, where more are, mainly where the nearest one is-- because that's how you'll get through the day. Sure, a quickie in the ocean can relieve your pent-up frustration for a bit. Heck, it might even get you through a couple of hours. Yet, we all know that using nature's toilet isn't a permanent solution; you need stability. You need commitment from a trustworthy toilet. Convenience can only get you so far, until there's simply too much of yourself that you need to let out-- and the ocean, though easy, isn't ready to listen. And hey, let's remember: there are some people who can't go in the ocean-- and that's OK, too! Some people have a mental block that prevents them from fully opening up right away-- or at all-- to a peeing situation with which they're unfamiliar. Not everyone can do it, and they needn't feel pressured or "wrong." If this is you, you're searching straightaway for an actual bathroom and I guarantee you'll find it. I mean, almost everyone gets to one at some point. But perhaps we can all agree to get there quicker because it's really so gosh darned worth it. (We're drinking a lot of liquid.)

Mixology is a relaxing, educational activity to follow your day at the beach: While concocting cocktails on the beach can be super fun, sometimes you save your fanciness for afterwards. Who wants to pack more than a 6-pack to a beach an hour and a half away, anyways? Take your beach crew back with you to someone's apartment-- preferably one with an accessible roof, since you'll still be anti-indoors! screw walls! the moon counts as nature!-- and continue your day of revelry by playing chemist. Pretend you're in potions class at Hogwarts, or you're a mysterious and highly tipped bartender in Prague-- whatever helps you keep forgetting who you really are in this hard, hard city. And if today is about escape, what better way to free your mind than to mix a strong amount of Chambord, vodka, whiskey, and "any light beer" with... really anything else? (No, not anything else; let's respect our pallets here. Yes, this is Adult Jungle Juice; let's not forget.)

 

Oh, and hide your alcohol on the beach! It's illegal, guys! Seriously!

For the record, we didn't have any.

We also didn't swim 3 times on the surf-only beach, twice after being told not to. Nor did we take extensive costume measurements for one of our friend's upcoming regional theatre role, in the middle of the beach. The beach is whatever you make of it, children. You don't get many opportunities to be frivolous, carefree, and barely clothed on the dirt streets of New York-- at least not without feeling bad about it-- so drink in that fresh ocean air without the smell of smoke and garbage. And drink another water Capri Sun beer water for me.

What's Waa-Mu?