Beer and Burgers Bought by Boys

I could definitely focus this recipe on the colonoscopy that I had done on Monday. But I won't. Too easy.

Ingredients
"In the modern dating world, dating-app-induced offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated desperate under-35s who investigate these vicious wireless encounters are members of an elite squad known as Most of Your Single Friends. These are their (my) stories."
* All line spacing is original line spacing.
* Italics are mine. 

- Once "matched," the following first lines in a chat:

• What sign are you?
• What's your spirit animal?
• You're cute
  Ill give you a shot
• Stop. You're f*#%ing 
  Hot.
  
  

- The following complete misses, within chat:

• Must be difficult to break into. (re: acting)
• What kind of acting do you do?
• What type of acting do you do?
• What sort of acting do you do?
• Do you want to be a Broadway star one day?/I still haven't had the chance to go see a Broadway show, but I hear it's worth it!
• Learned a new hangover remedy, a few tablespoons of honey before you pass out gets the alcohol out quicker and gets you some vitamins you lose.
• What's your favorite peanut butter style: creamy, crunchy, extra crunchy, or variable I haven't contemplated? (OK, this was actually really good. A+)
• Hey, go Golden Flashes! My sister graduated from Kent.
  Nice. For fashion?
  (Apparently that's the only thing a female can study at Kent.) Physical therapy.
  
• Acting. And you?
  That's partially true lol.
  Partially true?
  I feel like we're always acting anyway
  Very profound, I agree.
  I'm glad
  But you're just better at it
  High confidence you have in me!
  Why shouldnt I haha
  Well, I could be a horrible actor.
  I guess, you would know miss city girl from good old Ohio
  
  
  
  ...(later on...)
  I never really realized how nice Ohioans are, but ppl keep telling me!
  Believe them
  :)
  Are you blushing
  Haha
  Me too.
  (Never said I was) And why is that
  I'm crushing on you
  That was fast.
  Way to kill the mood
  Woops
  Hmm

- And this entire conversation:

• How is 2015 for you so far?
  Hi, there. It's been pretty sleepy. But my friend from home was in, so good! You?
  Aw. Good so far but I think I know of a way to make it even better... what are you up to later?
  (air hockey?)
  Are you asking me to play air hockey?
  haha yes if you are up for it
  Typically I'd ignore someone asking me out this quickly, but I just have to give a nod to this very unique request. Haha.
  But I'm working. 
  Nice
  And yeah I just feel like 5 minutes in person equates to about 50 text messages
  But what happens after those 5 minutes?
  You listen to your gut
  It's so much easier to read someone in 3D
  You never just feel a vibe?
  I mean. Sure. I guess. I like to get to know someone.
  Yeah, it makes sense
  Totally kosher(end of conversation)

Instructions

What have you gotten yourself into. A few things to note before we get started:

1. I have just given you actual transcripts of real conversations I have had using my dating app. Please understand the power you have. Please forgive me.

2. I included the hangover tip simply because I think it might be a good hangover tip.

3. I did indeed tell someone that my new year had been, so far, "pretty sleepy." This is indication of how little I try, and how fantastic that is. 

Also, real quick, you won't get very far in this read without understanding how Hinge (that's the nameless dating app I keep referring to) works: 

1. Rifle through really old Facebook "photos of you" so Hinge won't automatically use your most recent profile pictures, which are all show posters.
2. Peruse the daily batches of guys Hinge chooses for you, based on: 
   a. your Facebook mutual friends 
   b. your preferences, which it creepily learns
3. "Favorite" as many of the Ivy-league grads and Ohioans (it's gotten to know you so well) as you wish, anonymously.
4. If Mr. Ohio-born Columbia University Grad Working at Comedy Central also favorites you, you're a "match!" and Hinge suggests the most hilarious things in your chat window:
   a. You know you can't gaze into each other's eyes through your phone. You're both up for drinks!
   b. Oui really think it's time you turned this chat into a rendezvous. You're both up for coffee!
   c. You're both so awesome, it'd be a crying shame if you didn't meet. You're both up for drinks!

Let's begin with "Stop. You're f*#%ing 

Hot." First of all, slow down with the excitement and take the proper measures of fitting all of the parts of your sentence into one message. Secondly, after two days of my not responding to this person who thought I was "hot" enough to use a one-word demand, vulgarity, and extra space, he sent the following message: "So, are you from Oberlin, Ohio? (I'm originally from Sandusky.)" 

LEAD WITH THAT! Why, why on this blessed earth would you ever choose to lead with "stop, you're f*#%ing hot" or "you're cute, I'll GIVE YOU A SHOT" instead of an innocent, nice question using common ground?? This guy consciously (or, hell, probably unconsciously; we can only hope) chose to order me to obey him based solely upon appearance over saying... well, anything else. *You don't have to be much of a feminist to find offense in a complete stranger demanding you to do something, simply because you look like a female. 

*Or so I hope, so I hope, so I hope, so I hope.

*You also don't have to be much of a feminist to not jump for joy when a stranger-male blesses you with the "shot" to look at or talk to him.

*Or so I hope, so I hope, so I hope, so I hope.

But you also don't have to be much of a feminist to know that using Hinge is OK and does not make you a slut.

Here's the thing: I hate that I'm using this app. I really do. However, it's because I wish I didn't have to. I wish I had the type of job and social life or apartment building and group of friends or whatever and whatalways to not require the use of Hinge in my life, but alas here I am. It took a while of me feeling sorry for my lonely self to realize that I wasn't dating not only because I didn't have any clear prospects, but also because I was afraid and knew nothing about dating. Nothing about the dating, at least-- the act of going on dates. Especially in New York City. Oh, who am I kidding, really anywhere. I still have no idea what's expected, what's typical, where you go, what you do, what you talk about. That's OK, though; if you're like me and don't date a lot, or maybe you don't want to date at all, or maybe you could give a rat's flying behind either way, you'll live and you'll find your way. What's not OK is that I have been entirely deplete of the knowledge that there are handfuls of men/boys out there waiting and happy to PAY for my DINNER at RESTAURANTS. 

This is where I have failed myself. I had to stop (not because I was f*#%ing hot), and think out loud, and pace around a little, multiple times to multiple people, to fully comprehend that all I had to do was "offer to pay"-- aka half-assedly pull my raggedy old college Vera Bradley wristlet excuse for a wallet out-- and my male counterpart would take care of everything! I go out to eat/drink/exist NEVER, 90% because I can't afford to. Enter males with real jobs! Hello, can I take your coat? Oh, wait, someone else is going to do that, because we're at a real restaurant, like, with a waiter! I've wasted so much time...

Now, I know what you're thinking. Oh, Anna, you were just all pro-feminism and now you're buying into old fashioned, outdated traditions that the guy must pay on the first date? 

No, absolutely not! Because I see no reason why he should stop paying after the first date. Listen, if I had a salaried position or made any continual, living wage, then yes-- yes, obviously I would legitimately offer and even insist on covering the bill on the first date, and more to come. There's no reason why two working adults can't split the costs of their dates with each other. Problem is, I'm not a working adult. I'm a baby adult who works some things called part-time jobs. I have no money, but pretty much every guy who fits my *criteria for dating is going to have money. They will definitely have money. Buying two meals or two drinks is not nearly as monumental a deal for them as it is for me. Someone once asked me if I'm offended that a date might assume that to be true, based on my profession as an actor. Um, the answer is No because they assumed correctly! I know plenty of actors who live off mommy and daddy's money, or got super lucky and found a high-paying day job or, heck, a paid acting job, and they could surely pay for a meal or two. I'd be offended if I were one of those actors and a guy assumed that I was destitute, based only on the fact that I was a "starving actor" (yuck!). Nope, these dates of mine have guessed correctly based on many more context clues other than my career choice: my living location, the number of jobs I have, how many times I complain about how much things in this world cost, my previous living locations,  my entire family's professions, potentially my wardrobe, etc. I'm not going to lie to them, so why should I expect them to buy into a lie that was never there to begin with? And why miss out on a nice free meal. Seems stupid. 

* AT THE MOMENT, calm down

* criteria = has a job, makes some sort of money, over 5'7, can confidently and/or comfortably discuss colonoscopies & stand-up comedy in the same conversation

I'd like to mention that I have been on one (1) date(s) via Hinge. I feel like that's important to note that the extent of my involvement is matching and chatting. Since my singledom began this fall, I have, though, gone on a few non-Hinge (like, from real life) dates with someone, in which I first learned of this males-with-jobs phenomenon. This was also where I learned that this phenomenon can be very similar to the phenomenon where guys (and gals) will do almost anything-- perform superhuman feats, pay for someone else's meal-- when it leads to the possibility of sex. Well, that may be why you're paying for my meal or ticket or drink, but I could honestly care less. Because, either way, you're not getting any, and, either way, I'm getting something for free. 

Of course I'd wildly prefer for that not to be the reason a guy goes out with and pays for me. Of course I'd like to hang out with a nice guy who's cool and smart and funny and respects my cool smart funniness in a nice way-- so much so that I'd even pay! I choose to use Hinge instead of Tinder-- for obvious reasons of why someone like me would choose anything over Tinder. I also choose it because of the painfully slow way it opens and the quick way it crashes, along with its 100% guarantee for intellectually enticing conversation. Nah, I choose it because it uses your mutual friends on Facebook. The only matches you'll see are friends of friends or third degree connections. I'm already afraid of dating, so I chose the least scary dating app/site. You know someone I know? Great. That's a non-mathematically sound 70% less chance you're a serial killer. 

So, in conclusion, there's no way I'd ever have the opportunity to experience the restaurant or bar scene in NYC without--

GUYS, THIS IS BIG OH MY GOSH, AS WE TYPE/READ, I HAVE A MAJOR UPDATE FOR YOU!

OH MYLANTA! This is pure gold and I simply can't ignore it. Please, please everyone, help me formulate the perfect response by posting in the comments section below what you think I should reply. 

I'm serious! Use that comments section!

Oh. This is happening in real time. So funny. This is why I keep this app around.