Easter Traditions: Cheap Alcohol

This recipe is embarrassingly belated. But, like... how much fun was the last month and a half, everyone?! Great, now let's get disastrous: 

Ingredients
Before you begin, be aware that you must prepare these ingredients are listed in timeline order. However, achieving them all in one day may prove deadly. 

• 1 6am flight from New York to Cleveland
• (immediately followed by) A 2-hour nap
• 2 visits to Kohl's
• $2 Beer Retail Night. In which bottles are $2. American cash.
• 1 game of Cards Against Humanity with your father and high school drama director
• < $20 for a haircut ("yo, I'm like")
• 1 free yoga class where you are the youngest in attendance by at least 20 years (which is a feat no matter how old you are)
• 60+ Easter baskets at the St. Joseph's Easter Basket Blessing 
• 2 bottles of fine Ohio wine served to you and your mom by one of your best friends in the middle of a corn field
• This sign: 
  
  *Oh. I'm sorry: For those who can't read the finite print, that says $5 for a shot & beer on a Saturday night. And for those of you who can't read minds, this bar exists in downtown Oberlin, OH, which, for those of you who don't know, is the home of Oberlin College. So, for those of you who haven't yet done the math, that's a REAL cheap combo for an EXTREMELY liberally COLLEGE town surrounded by not much else than farmland and strip malls. Where there are apparently alcohol specials on Sundays, dagnabit! Probs cuz we still have the Sunday liquor law.
• 1 John Candy movie for "culture"
• 5 hours to kill (after the early-as-all-heck 8am Easter mass), during which you must include the most festive religious entertainment possible: 
  1. The Rugrats Passover episode; and then,
  2. The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Beiber
• 50+ pieces of assorted dark chocolates in 1 box. Forced, yes, forced upon you.
• 2 Easters. Of course.

Instructions

I want you to tell me which of the above have to do with being in Ohio and which of the above are simply about having a good effing time. If I could cram every 4-day period of my life with $2 craft beer bottles, $20 haircuts, $25 in Kohl's cash, $5 beer+shot deals, free yoga classes, and all of the free meals my parents might offer, then... Oh, wait. This is all about the money. Ohio = suddenly affordable = this is what the rich feel like!

Alright, well. What else do the above have in common... Alcohol! That's gotta be your link to this recipe's disaster. Let's keep it disastrous, people: $2 bottles on retail night at a local bar on Main Street named Stubby's? Somethin' bad's gonna happen! Or, bare minimum, you'll end up buying someone's beer because you're like, "well, I have a $5 bill out and let's be honest it's just $5-- a normal beer'd be that much-- so lemme get that for you," but then you don't realize that your super easy gesture, fueled mainly by convenience and your initial plan to spend $5 anyways-- might send that person a mixed message, and now all of a sudden there's someone thinkin' you expect somethin' outta him, or maybe he expects somethin' outta you, and you're like, "woahhhp, nope, I merely didn't want to wait--" and before you can even explain that you simply had no time to wait for the bartender to fork over your few bucks in change, BAM someone's pregnant.

That's unlikely.

That's more likely to happen at The Feve, the college bar in Oberlin, OH, where the $5 beer+shot deal *exists. 

*Since beginning this post over a month ago, I have indeed found multiple locations in NYC that also covet this $5 beer+shot phenomenon, and I don't know how it's not yet illegal.

Hm. I know! All of the above have to do Easter. Let's see, we've got Rugrats Passover, candy, John Candy... Just kidding, I know what Easter is truly about: Justin Beiber! OK, OK, in all seriousness, it was so lovely to finally be able to honor my favorite holiday (besides Halloween, obvs) with the tradition I haven't been around to celebrate since high school. The Traditional Catholic Easter Basket Blessing (*caps mine, I believe) is, honestly, like, the coolest thing. I love it. No one's ever heard of it-- throwback to another Eastern European Catholic tradition, hell yes! Packzis and Easter Baskets, that's about as Polish as I get. Here's what we cool kids put in our Catholic Easter Baskets:

• Paska: the sweet Easter Bread (basically challah)
• Ham, and other meats
• Eggs, decorated (This year my mother decorated them by herself without telling us, even though I was actually in town. Bad move.)
• Horseradish (Pretty sure just because it tastes right with ham... You can look up the real symbolic meaning yourself.)
• Egg cheese: exactly what it sounds like
• Lamb butter: not really what it sounds like: butter shaped like a lamb
  

  

  GOOGLING LAMB BUTTER, I REALIZE: THEY CREEPY
• Salt
• Wine
• Wine
• We put candy in ours. Because we eat candy.
  

  

  Don't ask me what the can of Dole is for.

And then ya tie it all up in a bow, bring it to a special Saturday service, stick it on the altar, and spend the next half an hour drooling over the smell of 60+ Easter baskets, filled with Easter fare, accumulating in the church. They all get blessed by the priest and then you go home and DON'T eat it. It's very hard sometimes. 

Hey, I have a different definition of fun, OK?!

Yes: Easter to me means flying into Ohio from wherever I'm living at the asscrack of dawn, sleeping immediately upon my arrival, taking advantage of sickeningly sweet deals of the Midwest, inhaling the smell of ham as a priest prays over food I won't eat that day, and voluntarily marathoning Bieber and other weird TV with my 25-year-old sister. Oh, and eating 2 Easter meals to the point of ER-worthy bloating with each of my 2 families. Of course.

I'm not ashamed to celebrate Easter, and I'm not ashamed of how! Take advantage of every holiday you love, whether you're spending it with family, friends, co-workers (here's looking at you, Christmas 2014!), or a cat (ohp, yep, still looking at you, Christmas 2014!). Because you never know when that $2 beer retail night will screw you up.

Me and the cat, lookin' crazy pre-Midnight Mass Christmas Eve '14
Goin' in the scrapbook