What about if the entire blog turned out to be it's own recipe for a cataclysmic failure?
Hello, November 11: my last recipe to date. 4 months later, let's approximate that I'd have been at roughly Week #... wait... I'd already skipped about two or three weeks prior before the last two posts... not really quite sure where I'd be right now... so... if YOU'RE okay with this, then I'M okay with this, and it doesn't really matter, and it's almost like it never happened! November 11? Psh, that was yesterday! Feels like yesterday! Wasn't yesterday.
Imma be honest with yous guys: The reason I've avoided posting a recipe for so long is because I was avoiding fear, thus embracing it in every possible way; I was so embarrassed that I hadn't followed my "52 weeks" plan (that I'd so publicly made) that I only fell farther away from achieving it. The more embarrassed I got, the more afraid of this blog I became. After much encouragement from about 3 avid readers, I told my self "SCREW IT!" and...... left this page open on my computer for the past couple of days.
SO, failed WIFI after too many times calling the front desk, plus a little bit of "Let It Go"-theory, I decided: I don't have to do anything I don't want to do! I can write this blog however I frickin' want! Does this look like a recipe to you so far? Did I perhaps set myself up for the failure I was parodying? Can I do an entire recipe of photos? PICTARECIPE! Can I tell you all about the last 4 months in one she-bang?! As Adele Dazeem would say, blah blah blah "frozen fractals". Oh, and also something about being a mountain queen.
California Rolls Are Preferable to Failure: a 4-month process
Ingredients
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November: Your first trip to an Ivy League school. Just so happens to be Homecoming Weekend at Yale. Just so happens to be the Yale/Harvard Homecoming Game. ..... :-|
Offset with a ridiculous amount of tailgating, you'll be fine.
Pre-Christmas: A visual study in what, at one point, you found was funny/necessary enough to include in a future blog post.(I'll humor myself.)
Thanksgiving: Celebration in a doctor's-manion-turned-convent in New Jersey with your best friend since middle school who's spending her year as a Dominican volunteer teaching computer skills to immigrant women, joined by 3 other early-20's female volunteers, creating a lavish organic turkey dinner in said convent SANS NUNS for the ENTIRE WEEKEND aka PARTAY!
Once again, that's nuns. convent. organic vegetables. young women makin' turkey
Christmas: 1 Charlie Brown Christmas Tree... and also 1 miniature Christmas tree that's really trying sooooo so hard to be awesome. Such a valiant effort, truly, that even though it ended up tilting so much more than anyone was comfortable with, you still found it beautiful.
(+ a photo shoot with your Hulu fireplace ASAP after you decorate)
Transition Into Winter Season: 2-weeks notice at your restaurant hosting job. Deeply sad--you actually said out loud "they're good people", like "good people" was a phrase you said all the time. You just learned it.-- But really, guys: go eat at Spring Natural Kitchen.
Moving on to work straight across the park, which GEEEE somehow takes you 25 min. longer WHAT FUN!
(Das boot is from a fanc-ay chocolate shop that the owner of the restaurant gave you for your Secret Santa. Those are chocolate covered Cheerios that came on the inside, and the stand is made of dark chocolate. Sickening. Delicious.)
Exceed at Star Gazing in the City: A pensive Keanu Reeves to sit outside your new front desk job at Exceed Physical Culture so you can watch him talk to other people.
Rockefailure (thank you): 1 picture of noses. You have gained a significant other and meant to take a photo with the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and preferably the entirety of your faces in it, but you didn't. Yet, he has access to organic farm eggs, looks great in flannel, once beatboxed with Lin Manuel Miranda, and this is one of ~3 photos you have together. So: 1 picture of noses.
Gingerbread House: 1 package of Whole Foods gummy bears that inspires a deadly scene of a Purple Bear spaceship invasion on the (beret wearing?) Pink Bears who live in the Forest with the Chocolate Boot (see above). Hours of creation, immense pride, gluten-free graham crackers entirely unnecessary because you actually don't end up eating gingerbread houses... who knew...
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| I'm including another photo because of the immense pride. |
Christmas: TOO MANY gluten-free SPRITZ COOKIES and by too many I mean ALL OF THE WORLD'S GOODNESS. Hand-made by the impeccable Susan Barnes (whom you all must capture to bake you things).
*Recipe from Amherst, OH local native superstar Cherl Costelow who landed herself in Taste of Home Magazine this December!! Valid immense pride.
January: One week in NYC without anyone else there, as they grasp the concept that everything stops for the holidays. You flew back because you "just had to" and thought you had to work, which you didn't, & when you finally do work, your gym's walls and ceilings opened & flooded like the Titanic. Polar Vortex, Shmolar Shortex-- you flew home the next day!
<--- that's a flooded touch screen PC computer. What kind of computer did they replace it with? Thank you.
While Home!: Many things you bake. And that is all. Because you are suddenly depressed, as a certain airline lost your gate-checked bag. That you stupidly put your laptop in. Due to your fury-packing, post-gym-Titanic-flood.
Road Trip: 1 boyfriend's best friend, who naturally feels "3rd wheel" as he joins the road trip from Texas to Ohio to pick you up and have the boyfriend meet your parents... Perhaps you tell your mother his feelings afterwards. Perhaps she creates big good fun out of it & forever, actually, tells you to "say hi to Kyle".
Late January: Meryl Streep's island.
...
...
The Berkshires is a beautiful land of organic farms, real "package" stores, & also 1 of Meryl's abodes, which has AN ISLAND. OK.
February: 5 minutes to see 1 best friend from home in one of the most confusing yet exciting cities in the world-- and you choose to meet in front of The Body Shop.
Snow Day: 3+ hours spent crafting, 80% of which was organizing your craft box.
Can you say anal/antisocial/coolestpossiblepasttime?
Instructions
1. Audition for a role as an immediate replacement in a theatre for young audiences tour so you can say that you've been "flown out to California", but mostly so you can spend a week with this beaut: his name is Jacques and he's (an alcoholic) an adorable Shih Tzu. He belongs to the girl you're replacing, though, so don't get too attached.
2. Take jealousy photos.
Ugh all these scenic, beautiful pictures of beaches and junk and I don't feel like anyone cares, but someone somewhere wants to see them... Is it you? Over there? No? Oh, sorry for disturbing...
3. Be a sponge. Being an immediate replacement for a show that's been on tour since January means that you get (basically) zero rehearsals means that you watch the same show every performance for a week means that you can take pictures of the set in every venue, but hopefully with kewl kids enjoying it like so.
4. Spend Las Vegas Day getting vegan desserts and eating them on top of a Red Rock Mountain you climbed.
4.5. Find another 5'1 actor named Anna with short hair playing a boy.
5. Eat-all-you-can sushi. No words. $25 of goodness, shock, and somehow, still, lots of ICE CREAM.
6. Plead with gambling dealer to let you take a photo with Tinkerbell, until he retorts "not with that piñata!" #tinkgram
(6.5 Admit she has a problem.)
7. Deem Pasadena, CA a really cool place.
8. Celebrate Pi Day in the only way you can on tour: a cheese covered apple pie, warm out of the oven, in a Bavarian highway dive.
9. Ask "Why?" Why is the San Francisco Palace Theatre an actual palace? Why does it have grounds, with a swan pond? Why can't I have it?
10. Truly feel, for the first time, excited to return to New York City.
WHAT?!
Anyways: Now, I'm asking you to do all of these things in order to procure your perfect Less-than-Failure California Rolls. I don't care if flying to California and seeking out that cheese pie costs you a million yen. Quit your jobs, find a subletter, buy a new suitcase, cut your hair, transfer your prescriptions, realize you have a government controlled substance and beg your saintly roommate to shadily pick up your prescription for you and mail it to a random hotel in San Jose, too much information?, & use Instagram more than you ever thought personally possible. Picking up your life-- or at least what you can fit of it in an airplane regulated suitcase-- and saying, "I'm gonna go be a little boy in a blue onesie on the road for 3-ish months, see ya!" is scary. It's new. It's super stressful and has totally screwed up your freakin' prescriptions, need I go into that again. You wear the same outfit almost every day and only now realize how horrible hotel shampoo actually is. However, this greasy new hair texture, consistently bad WIFI, and excess of money spent on power bars is worth it. It's exactly what you needed. You needed to leave New York. Only if to finally come to the conclusion that you wouldn't mind going back.
----- but just for the 11 days you're gonna be there for Easter, srysly, let's be real. IT'S WARM HERE AND I HAVE A TAN AND TODAY I DROVE TO TRADER JOE'S!
*Disclaimer: eating raw or uncooked fish can be harmful to your health. So, drive the extra 1,000+ miles and get some real frickin' fish on the shore of Malibu Beach like we did. Worth it, salmonella.
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