Things You Eat By Yourself for that Whole Episode on Netflix

Ingredients

• 1 Facebook engagement announcement by the boy who took you on your first date 
• This conversation:
  Girl You Babysit: "Do you have a crush on anyone?"
  You: "No."
  Girl You Babysit: "No, no, like, right now. You don't have a crush on anyone, right at this second?"
  You: "Nope, not right now."
  Girl You Babysit: "Nobody?"
  You: "Really, no."
  Girl You Babysit: "Do you want to get married?" 
• Your adult twin-sized bed
• 1 friend response to your Halloween costume choices of Kit Kittredge v. Shari Lewis: "Last year you were a Beanie Baby. Right?"
• Supplies for Friday and Saturday Date Nights, Fall 2014: a bottle of red wine, a quart of sugar-free ice cream, and 3 episodes of “Parenthood”
• 100+ hours of “Parenthood” ruining your acceptance of your love life because Sarah Braverman goes on a date with a new man seriously every episode, it's insane— plus, some character said "He goes through women like cotton candy" and you have no idea what that means

Instructions
I'm not throwing a pity party. In order to feel sorry for myself, any one of the above ingredients would have to be a departure from what my life is typically like. This is simply recognition of my chaste, single life in an "I'm OK with the way I am, even though I'm not OK with the way things are going" way— a way that highlights the triumphs of adorable doll-involved Halloween costumes and single-sized umbrellas at every turn. 

When my ex gifted me his umbrella as he packed away his things, he said, "I'm sure you won't mind, but, just so you know, this is a single-sized umbrella." 

No response from me. He unnecessarily clarifies, "As in, it only covers one pers—" 

"No, I get it. I'm sure that won't be an issue."

I'm my best self-advocate. Last week, I had a babysitting interview with a beautiful Israeli family who was floored to hear I'd be not only willing and available but also be overjoyed to work evenings. After minutes of shock, the mother asks, "Are you sure? You don't have to go home and make dinner?"

No response from me.

She clarifies, "You don't have anyone waiting at home that you need to make dinner for—"

"Nooo. No, that won’t be an issue.”

Recently, I  my friends at a housewarming I was throwing that went a little something like this:

Friend A

You should totally hook up with #**@ tonight! 

Me

I... You know, I'd like to, but I really don't think... Hey, here, let's talk instead about people I'd hypothetically hook up with who aren't here!

Friend A

OH MY GOSH, YES, you HAVE to tell $!&!$ that you want to hook up with ^**^ and he will TOTALLY make that happen! You HAVE to. HE WILL DO IT.

Me

Well... Actually, that probably wouldn't work... I mean, ^**^ is so busy, and I haven't even seen him in, like... months, so...

Friend A

No, if ^**^ wanted to hook up with you last year and now he knows you're single and interested, then it doesn't matter how much time has passed, ^**^ will literally jump on that instantly. Any day.

Me

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with jumping?

Friend B

But what about this guy here, huh?

Friend A

Oh, YAAASSS. DO ITTT.

Me

Honestly, you have to tell me exactly every single move I must take to make that happen. Or else it won't.

Friend A

(Passes down life's deepest wisdoms)

Me

I'm not doing any of that.

Friend A leaves. 

Friend B

Sooo...?

Me

No.

Friend B

Yeah.

Me

I have morals. I have integrity. I don't have a Senator Wendy Davis banner on my Facebook, but I consider myself a feminist. You know?

Friend B

Totally. You're so strong.

Me

Thank you so much. I'm just not into—

Friend B

Playing games?

Me

YES. You get me. You GET ME.

Friend B

(Crying face) (Strong face) You just do you.

Me

I'd like to have fun and "be wild," but I'd just feel so uncomfortable, you know?

Friend B

Totally uncomfortable, absolutely, you just be yourself, act like yourself, truly, no need. No need. If you're not feelin' it, it's not you, you do you.

Me

Let's go get a cupcake.

Ah, simplicity: there’s nothing much left to say about my “evenings in,” every evening, now. I yam what I yam (subtle celebration of Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving everyone) and I'm cool with school. Thus, I thought it'd be fun to look through my favorite website of all time, Pinterest (actually, dressupgames.com is technically my favorite website of all time), and see what self-aggrandizing memes or classic single-chick pics I can find that will make us all want to vomit.

Wow, I didn't even have to scroll down on the results for "Being single" to find this gem:

Let's talk about everything wrong with this. I'll go point by point:

1. I have a twin-sized bed.
2. What? Where?
3.  Sure, those are FUN. Also, I'd do that regardless of my relationship status.
4. OK, honestly, we're all fooling   ourselves if we don't admit that "what-if" is code for "unwanted and regretful rebound."
5. That's hilarious; you think I have money.
6. I won’t hang out with anyone I don't like ever.
7. I’m too lazy to refute the obvious.
8. About...?
9. ... Always?
10. OMG are you buying me a television?!
11. Hold on, what are you doing when you're not single?
12. Thanks. 
13. What.
14. Really.
15. Suck.

That was too easy. Let's find another!

Well, I'm not even going to click on this article, because what the hell does Miley have to do with this? Miley with no shirt on is the best part of being single? All I see is cleavage. Could that be one of the Best Things?

Oh my goodness! Here it is again! New picture, but SAME CLEAVAGE!

I don't know. 

It's funny when you think of the "single person" as a single person. Hah.

One last one, roundin' it out:

Yesss, that's a lot of judgement and unrealistic expectations for the win! Unrealistic because we can't ALL be doctors, Meghan Elizabeth. But if you're right, Meghan Elizabeth, I'm so desperately behind and you've finally let me know. So, thank you.

Listen, though, guys— we don't have to be behind. Like Friend B said, you don't gotta be anyone you don't wanna be, you special precious human. If you're single and you want to mingle, then jingle, babe! I wish I could, sometimes, I really do. But if you're single and you'd rather eat a Pringle than casually intermingle, eat that chip. Please remember, though, that once you pop, you can't stop. 

Additionally, in looking for the correct Pringles slogan wording, I came across THIS crazy fact: Fredric J. Baur, the inventor of the tubular Pringles can, asked his children to honor his request "to bury him in one of the cans by placing part of his cremated remains in a Pringles container in his grave." Now, if that doesn't make you feel just a little better about yourself, in no way offensive to Mr. Baur...